So innocent and true

How I wish I could still be you

Your whole life still lies up ahead

And so far you have nothing to dread

Untainted with reality

Clueless as to what it really might be

You’re carefree and alive

Seeing the world through a child’s eyes

I was once so like you

Thinking it all to be an adventure too

Until I realized the big deception

This world didn’t fit my gand perception

I don’t want to scare you

But rather forewarn you

Enjoy your moments as they pass

For unfair as it may seem

Not all little boys fulfill their dreams.

© Abd-Allah 2010



One day, when my son Joshua was about six years old, he came home crying hysterically because one of his friends fell off some playground equipment at school and died. I sat down with Josh and said, “Honey, I know how you feel. You miss him, and you should feel those feelings. But you should also realize that you feel this way because you’re a caterpillar.” He said, “What?” I had broken his pattern a little bit. I said, “You’re thinking like a caterpillar.” He asked me what I meant.

“There’s a point,” I said, “where most caterpillars think that they have died. They think life has ended. When is that?” He said, “Oh yeah, when that thing starts wrapping around them.” I said, “Yeah, pretty soon the caterpillar gets wrapped in its cocoon, buried by all this stuff. And you know what? If you were to open up that cocoon, the caterpillar is no longer there. There’s just all this mush and goo and stuff. And most people, including the caterpillar, thinks it’s dying. But really it’s beginning to transform. Do you understand? It is going from one thing to something else. And pretty soon, what does it become?” And he said, “A butterfly.”

I asked, “Can the other little caterpillars on the ground see that this caterpillar became a butterfly?” He said, “No.” I said, “And when a caterpillar breaks out of the cocoon, what does he do?” Joshua said, “He flies.” I said, “Yeah, he gets out and the sunlight dries off his wings and he flies. He’s even more beautiful than when he was a caterpillar. Is he more free or less free?” Josh said, “He’s much more free.” And I said, “Do you think he’ll have more fun?” And he said, “Yeah-he’s got less legs to get tired!” And I said, “That’s right. He does. He doesn’t need legs anymore; he’s got wings. I think your friend has wings now.

“You see, it’s not for us to decide when somebody becomes a butterfly. We think it’s wrong, but God has a better idea when the right time is. Right now, it’s winter and you want it to be summer, but God has a different plan. Sometimes we just have to trust that God knows how to make butterflies better than we do. And when we’re caterpillars, we don’t even realize that butterflies exist, because they’re up above us-but maybe we should just remember that they’re there.” And Joshua smiled, gave me a big hug and said, “I bet he’s a beautiful butterfly.”

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When I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, I had already been having a hard time going up, and down with my moods. Plus I was having severe panic anxiety disorder also.

I have been through many medication changes over the last few years. Taking medication is a hard thing to do, but it is a neccesary one. It becomes even harder when Ramadan comes though. I would love to be able to fast, but because of the meds, and times for taking them, I’m not able to fast.

InshaAllah I pray to Allah to be able to get the reward for the intention of fasting even though I am not able to.

What I do always try to do in Ramadan to keep my Eman up is to read at least one Juz of Qur’an every day, and more if possible. I listen to Islamic lectures, and also recieve good Islamic reminders by email from other Muslimahs. I also make sure to pray taraweeh every night.

If the opportunity arises, it is really good to host a dinner for other fasting Muslims to be able to get some of the reward. If I feel that I can’t do this personally because of stress, then I take an opportunity to sponsor an iftar dinner at the masjid. SubhanAllah there are so many ways Allah gives us to earn rewards, and erase sins!

Ramdan is a very special month for us because it’s full of blessings. I don’t want to miss out on those even though I cannot fast. Allah gives us many ways to earn blessings, so make sure you take advantage of this sacred month.

(Image courtesy of bint Elmi)

Be sure to leave me your comments below and share this post.

I dip a sweet lemon cookie in warm chai. I take the first bite. As the soft cookie melts in my  mouth, I taste heaven.

With a calming tone, Shaykh Khalil-Husari recites surah Noor.

Alhumdulillah.

No better praise enters my heart.

Reflecting on my past and present fills me with an overwhelming sense of gratitude.

Gratitude for the:

1. Precious time you take to read my posts.
2. Insightful comments you share with me.
3. Effort you make in sharing my posts with family and friends on Facebook and through email.

As Shakespeare says, “I can no other answer make, but, thanks, and thanks”

At this moment, what are you grateful for?

Write your comments below and share this post!

So what tips am I talking about?

First, be sure to check out my favorite Ramadan post. I just read it so that I keep my sanity this Ramadan, not that I didn’t have it last year.

So here are my tips for an awesome Ramadan (green stuff =goodies):

1. Revive your intention. Fast only to impress Allah.

2.  Keep an interactive Heart Wheel Journal to really polish your heart. Get yours here. I just got mine and it’s so cool!

3. Make dua often and recite tons of Quran. Put your heart into it.

4. Automate ajr by sponsoring an orphan monthly. Here’s a trusted website to help you in Canada.

5. Finally, here are a few links, compiled by Shaykh Navaid Aziz, that every Muslim should have before Ramadan. Check my Facebook to see them and much more!

6. Keep reviving your intentions before each act.

7. Eat samosas and baklava with moderation

To that Allah replies in the Quran, “It is easy for me” (19:21).

And because Allah says this in Quran, it’s my firm belief that we can thrive with a serious mental illness like Bipolar.

If it is easy for Allah ta’ala to make a fatherless child, then is it not easy for Him to treat or even cure Bipolar?

Of course it is.

The question is, do we have the same faith as Maryam alayhi asalaam.

When we believe like her and stay hopeful about Allah, Bipolar will slowly phase out of our lives.

In shaAllah you will reach a point where Bipolar will give you strength instead of taking it away from you.

When some people discover I have Bipolar, they are surprised.

“You have Bipolar? Really? I can’t even tell. I’m sure it’s gone now.”

But that’s because they haven’t seen me during the survival phase.

So yes Bipolar management is not a bed of daises but it’s also no death sentence. When you’re first hit with any illness, you are in survival mode but if you keep believing that Allah always bring relief after hardship, then you can enter thrive mode.

It’s a mere change of belief in our thinking. That’s why it’s so easy yet powerful and life changing.

For more info on changing belief systems, read this book by Tony Robbins

Share this post and give somebody hope!

Your brain is like a filling cabinet. It stores information and when you see similar object, it searches your cabinet to identify the object.

When delusions hit, it’s as if somebody just messed up all the files in your cabinet and you cannot perceive reality normally.

Hallucinations are when someone actually hears and sees stuff. But this doesn’t occur in Bipolar. Alhumdulillah!

So delusions are basically messed up beliefs. Here’s some common examples:

- Allah is talking to me and I must kill the Shaytan for Him

- My mom is giving me bugs to eat because they’re in the rice (thinking cumin or peas are bugs)

- All those men are staring at me and I know they’re all pedos.

These are just some I made up.

Some of the delusions I’ve had before mania episodes have caused me a lot of harm.

For one thing, I’d utter some very taboo words in the Muslim culture and many people who didn’t know I had Bipolar were completely stunned.

I was stunned too when I learnt that I had said that. So yes I did hate myself later.

But I’ve used the pain from the hate to learn these warning signs so that I’m never bitten by the same snake twice

Comment below and share!

Check the rest of the 4 Mania Warning Signs here:

Warning Sign # 1: How Boiling Chai Taught Me to Recognize the First Warning Sign of BP Episode

Warning Sign # 2: Taking on Too Much

Warning Sign # 3: Hypersexuality

Warning Sign # 4: Too Much Zzzs, Not Enough Zzzs

I’ve been behind in blogging but I’m back.

The main and easiest way I can tell that a severe or even a mild episode is heading my way is by examining my sleep schedule.

Regular sleep for Muslims with Bipolar is super important and here’s why:

Think about the chair you are sitting on right now (or later). Missing sleep is like sitting on a chair with a hole in the seat. What would happen? You’d fall right through the hole.

But if you get enough sleep, your chair is like the Lazy Boy sofa: comfortable and supportive.

Even missing an hour of sleep can affect your mood and cause you to become manic.

It’s odd but with Bipolar, if I get too little sleep, I wake up with too much energy i.e. mania kicks in. And the opposite is true.

The best way to get regular sleep is to automate it. When you have to go to the washroom, you simply get up and excuse yourself without thinking about it.

Similarly with sleep, you need to set a fixed bed time.

For me, 9pm is my exit time.

I take my meds and head to bed. If I’m awake at 9:40pm, my family is sure to remind me where I need to be.

Getting a good amount of Zzzs is a favor to yourself and to those around you.

If you can’t sleep on time, check the following things:

- pray Isha

- dark room with blinds closed

- fresh wudu

- drink a glass of water

- and say your du’a

Sometimes the med’s side effect can disturb sleep too. Talk to your doctor.

Good night

Check the rest of the 4 Mania Warning Signs here:

Warning Sign # 1: How Boiling Chai Taught Me to Recognize the First Warning Sign of BP Episode

Warning Sign # 2: Taking on Too Much

Warning Sign # 3: Hypersexuality

Warning Sign # 5: If You Don’t Learn the Last Mania Warning Sign Now, You’ll Hate Yourself Later

“What pants! Her jeans seemed like they were painted on! She gives us hijabis a bad rep.”

And on and on the comments run.

Hypersexuality is the toughest and trickiest warning signs I’ve had to deal with in my 6 years with Bipolar.

Why?

Because we’re so freakin’ ignorant about it.

Muslims are already uptight about talking about sexuality in a frank and polite manner.

So when Muslims with Bipolar feel a mania episode coming, they are bound to be ostracized by their more practicing brothers and sisters for their loose behaviour. Well the only thing those brothers and sisters are really practicing is ignorance.

If you start being loose, talking promosicuosly, dressing seductively and you know you wouldn’t normally do those things, then this should raise a red flag.

First thing to do: surround yourself with knowledgeable family and friends who will help you get the treatment you need. Not judge you for your manic deed.

The toughest part of hypersexuality is not actually going through it but the aftermath.

When the mania episode has passed and I’m told of all the ‘crazy’ things I’ve said and did, I feel like going into a depressive episode.

But I can’t and won’t let  my feelings rule me. So I separate myself from all the hypersexual actions and things I did. It’s the only way I can go on.

Your action during mania don’t define you.

The steps you take in preventing the next episode do!

If you’ve done embarassing things during mania epsiodes, don’t worry. I’m sure you’d really crack up if you heard my stories

If you like this, then share!

Check the rest of the 4 Mania Warning Signs here:

Warning Sign # 1: How Boiling Chai Taught Me to Recognize the First Warning Sign of BP Episode

Warning Sign # 2: Taking on Too Much

Warning Sign # 4: Too Much Zzzs, Not Enough Zzzs

Warning Sign # 5: If You Don’t Learn the Last Mania Warning Sign Now, You’ll Hate Yourself Later

And I usually blog every week.

And this takes me to my second warning sign of a mania episode – taking on too much.

With the grandiose thoughts that mania brings, we start thinking we’re a god.

We make gigantic promises and fail to look at our promises.

One quick way I know I’m taking on too much is simply by checking out my workout routine at the gym.

If I usually run at 6mph but today I’ve been running at 7mph for the past 20 minutes and I am still not tired, then I know I’m becoming hypomanic or manic.

That’s an example of taking on too much physically.

I could promise to deliver a post each week and find myself backing out because I felt a lil high when I said that.

Our society loves stability, especially when it comes to words.

The main way to prevent yourself from taking on too much is to remember that the angels are writing down your promises.

And if you think Alla won’t mind because you’re sick.

Well, if you’re sane enough to read this then you are sane enough to be held accountable for your actions right now too.

Check the rest of the 4 Mania Warning Signs here:

Warning Sign # 1: How Boiling Chai Taught Me to Recognize the First Warning Sign of BP Episode

Warning Sign # 3: Hypersexuality

Warning Sign # 4: Too Much Zzzs, Not Enough Zzzs

Warning Sign # 5: If You Don’t Learn the Last Mania Warning Sign Now, You’ll Hate Yourself Later