White is Right this Night
15 June 2009
7 Comments
I thought my first post on my newly redesigned website would be a 7-month anniversary celebration post (yup it’s been over 7 months 
Alhumdulillah) but Allah had something different in mind…
Last night, I was craving white. I wanted to eat white “stuff” (vanilla ice cream) while looking at the white moon and white stars. I wanted to sleep on white sheets with white pillows in my almost-white room.
I needed to have white all around me. I couldn’t blame my family for being baffled by my demands. Why? Because there was something totally different going on in my mind.
My mind was temporarily hijacked by Bipolar.
It was a frightening moment because if I saw any other colour except white, I saw sad reports of the 6 o’clock news, heard cries of the world’s and my problems and smelled odours when there were none.
If you have Bipolar, you know what it feels like when Bipolar takes your mind’s keys and takes it for dangerous ride at 1:47am. It’s more aggravating when the police gives you a ‘ticket’ and then you’re taken by the ambulance to the hospital.
So my mind and I put up a real fight last night and Allah’s light through the colour white helped me calm down in an odd kinda way.
After one year of proactive Bipolar treatment, engrossment in self-help books, life coaching, psychotherapy, medicine, I thought I had mastered the Bipolar beast (its not always a beast, just last night). I thought my test was done.
But reflecting on last night, I’m humbled by the power and strength of a disorder Allah has created. And honestly, after all the sobbing, medicine crunching, heart banging (head was already banging mentally), turning to Allah is the only stable thing giving me sincere comfort. That is the only thing that will give you comfort too. This much I am certain of.
What does turning to Allah mean? It means realizing that there is only so much I can do. I can still get sick no matter how many precautions, pro-action and pills I take. And with each sickness, Allah simply wants to give me another polish. Turning to Allah means I have limits and while He does not. Turning to Allah means being humble in His presence.
What does turning to Allah mean to you?
Aligning myself with the One who is Limitless is the only stable pillar I have standing after waking up from last night’s Bipolar hurricane ruins. And when all else is mentally shattering, it feels good to hold on to a stable Being!
So after my fall last night, I’ve gotten up. And I’ll probably fall again and get up again in sha Allah. That’s life with Bipolar (without Bipolar too). What I do know is that each time I fall, Allah is there. When I fall from my feet, He is always The One standing. And for someone whose moods can be a sea storm sometimes, having Allah’s constant, Ever-Lasting Power to hold on to is strong ship with white sails.
How will you hold onto Allah’s Power and enjoy His Light?
(2 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
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and say “Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi raji’oon”, for that is the one guarantee…we belong to Allah and certainly our return is back to Him. Ameen.
(4.83 out of 5)
SubhanAllah sis this post was beautiful and strikingly insightful. May Allah continue to give you strength, sabr and clarity of mind amin!
16 June 2009 at 10:52 pm