Saba Malik 28 June 2009 Heart Like Heaven 8 Comments Print This Post  Email This Post

Image by © Koopman/CORBIS

Farah is a great friend of mine and for the first time, she opens up about her mom’s illness on MorningWind.

I’m a Muslim. My mom was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia about 5 years ago. Before her admission, I spent about 2 years with her, believing that she was God. It’s important to tell my story to help someone whose parent, sister or friend, might be showing signs of schizophrenia. Insha’Allah my story will highlight the importance of keeping good relations with your family and friends no matter what illness and trial you might face.

Two Years with Mom

When my father first told me my mother had schizophrenia it made sense. But I didn’t want to believe it because that would mean I wasted 2 years of my life with her. She tried to convince me we were going to live somewhere else and created this life for us in her mind explaining how things are supposed to be. She told me ideas as if they were being revealed to her because she was God and her thoughts predicted the future. I found it really easy to believe her.

The first thing I remember saying to my father was “maybe Mummy’s just a prophet, you know? Maybe not God, but a Prophet, because she says some really serious stuff and she’s really intelligent.” Even my father admitted that but he wanted to ground me back to reality. So he remind me that my mother was just my mother. She wasn’t what she had built herself to be.

I went through a series of emotions. I felt lost but relieved, happy and excited because the past 2 years had been very difficult and frustrating to endure. It had been an everyday battle with my mother.

Mom at the Hospital

One night she was admitted to the hospital. My father at home with me. My younger brother knew she was sick for a while. My older brother got a court order to get herself checked. For 8 years she didn’t come out of the house even for grocery shopping so the court order was needed. I always thought my mummy was conservative and religion and culture had a role to play in her actions. But now I realized she had a mental illness.

Praying…for Real

The night my father told me about my mom’s illness, I prayed a real prayer. I always prayed whenever I felt really sad and depressed. But this time I was really scared. I didn’t know what to expect. My mummy wasn’t there to tell me. I promised myself I wouldn’t get too deep into religion because I thought it was too controlling. My mom’s illness took away my right to education just so I could sit and listen to her everyday. I had submitted to my mother believing she was God. So I found it difficult to submit to the real God.

My Challenges and Lessons

The biggest challenge I had with my mother is simply loving her. I hate admitting this as I feel inhumane but I feel betrayed. It was easy for me to blame my life on my parents. I still do and it’s the hardest thing to move on but  I must because the illness is to blame.

The best lesson I learned is life really is a test. After having spent those years with my mother, I went back to school. I graduated with a high school degree at an adult school in 6 months. I got two scholarships and started a 30-hour famine event there, a first for the school.

I took charge of my life IMMEDIATELY after the whole experience. I am now at a great school. I feel I have a second chance even though the helpless feeling comes sometimes, I see university as my success.

My Mom…Now

My mother’s personality changed due to the medication she takes and I see her in a very different light. Since her diagnosis, I don’t allow myself to have a close relationship with her in fear of the controlling ideas that Paranoid Schizophrenia perpetuates. But the lack of conversation hurts rather than help us. Trying to talk to her is sometimes very painful.

Me, Myself and Schizophrenia

My self-image was drastically changed when I was taken out of school because  of the illness. I went from graduating high school, editor and writer of the school newspaper and a science student to a stay-at-home teenage. I didn’t have the ‘luxury’ of friends, fun and adventure. Even though I was willing to listen to my mother with her mania, others weren’t. My self-esteem was greatly affected by this whole experience simply because I wasn’t allowed to make my own decisions.

Now, I’ve developed a better self-image. I do have fears about marriage and wonder if someone will accept my family’s situation. There’s a lot of stigma attached to mental illness. Worse, I’m afraid I’ll turn into my mother, not the loving part but the Schizophrenia part. I also see the effect Schizophrenia has on my father.

No Where to Turn to but Allah

Soon after my experience at home, I decided to run away from religion. But I am finding it harder and harder not to turn to God. Now I see how blessed I am to have friends, family and a supportive Muslim community around me.

My mother is better, saner, and happier because she’s active in our community once again. This is in all gratitude to Islam. She has long stopped proclaiming the title of a deity. Instead she encourages me to become more practicing. I’ve prayed with my mother and felt a sense of peace so I can say Islam has brought us closer.

Through a recent family death, I saw the pain daughters feel when losing their mother. Their pain washed over me just as well. Now I can’t say I am unlucky to have such a mother. Rather, I feel fortunate to even have a mother. She is not perfect but she is definitely a quiet, sometimes, happy soul. And that is sufficient for me to say I love her.

To learn more about Schizophrenia, click here