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Tightened Rope (It’ll Snap Soon, InshaAllah)

Tightened Rope (It’ll Snap Soon, InshaAllah)
Image by MAGNUS541@HOTMAIL.COM

Bismillah.

How does one slip so far so quickly? How can one be rational at one moment, and so irrational the next? How does one become scared of closing their eyes at night?

In the seven years since experiencing my first depressive episode, Allah has tested me and my family with much, including illness, a failed engagement, and two bouts of acute anxiety. But this year was to be my greatest test yet. What began as low mood in the context of a traumatic event has evolved into something I can feel but cannot name, something that currently has me believing that I am seriously on the verge of a psychotic break.

I am a few months away from finishing my studies in the mental health field (ironically enough), inshaAllah. I’m doing a good job of covering up my deepening wounds (apparently). Sometimes I think people just tell you you’re ‘fine’ because they don’t want to think of you as being otherwise. But I know that my world has become an unfamiliar, cold place. My thoughts have become so foreign, and my emotions so tired. What I wouldn’t give to be me again. I am, in every sense of the word, a mess. And I am scared.

Difficulty normally strengthens my relationship with Allah. But this time, Shaytan has been whispering to me such severe, such ridiculous thoughts. Two ruqyas and a number of religious consultations later, I am desperately trying to hold on to the rope of Allah. How does faith that has taken so many years to build just crumble so suddenly?

Looking over the past year the biggest lesson I have learnt is realizing the enormous blessings of iman, normality and sanity.

If you have these things, just take a moment to thank Allah.

Please, just sincerely thank Allah.

About Yellow Flowers


Yellow Flowers has suffered from depression and anxiety. She discovered MorningWind.org whilst going through another rough period. When things get tough, Saba and co help give her that little boost she needs. Contact: yellow.flowers@morningwind.org

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12 Comments »

  1. Yellow Flowers,

    Thank you so much for sharing your experience with depression.

    I really get pulled down in the depression valleys and it feels quite lonely there.

    But knowing that you go through the same thing, I don’t feel so alone.

    I feel your pain sister.

    We are in this together. Alhumdulillah :-)

    May Allah unite us together in Jannat-ul-Firdows.

    Your sister,
    Saba

    //Saba
    12 November 2010 at 4:02 pm

  2. You are not alone inshAllah. Allah is always with you …He sees you….He listens to you…
    Always pray…
    You are in a test…
    You need sabr…
    May Allah heal your sickness and give you health and reward you good for this wonderful blog :)

    //SM
    17 November 2010 at 1:12 am

  3. Salaam!

    I don’t find it ironic at all that you are in the mental health field. Who better to help those with mental health issues than one who has experienced it first hand?

    Have you ever heard of the concept of the ‘wounded healer’? Many ‘healing’ professionals like psychologists, therapists, nurses, doctors went through an ordeal which ultimately led them to wanting to help those in similar circumstances.

    How amazing for your clients to have you help them on their journey.

    *hugs*

    May Allah give you strength to help others and wisdom to step back to care for your own needs as well so that you can serve even more.Ameen

    //Manal
    17 November 2010 at 11:49 pm

  4. Ameen, and ameen. Let’s all remember to make dua for one another and the ummah, inshaAllah, and the angels will make dua for us.

    //yellow_flowers
    18 November 2010 at 4:19 am

  5. Yellow Flowers,

    It’s 12:11am and I just can’t sleep. So I’ve been surfing the web and sub han Allah I just started to look at your post again and I couldn’t help it but think this ayah because it has the word rope in it:

    وَٱعۡتَصِمُواْ بِحَبۡلِ ٱللَّهِ جَمِيعً۬ا وَلَا تَفَرَّقُواْ‌ۚ وَٱذۡكُرُواْ نِعۡمَتَ ٱللَّهِ عَلَيۡكُمۡ إِذۡ كُنتُمۡ أَعۡدَآءً۬ فَأَلَّفَ بَيۡنَ قُلُوبِكُمۡ فَأَصۡبَحۡتُم بِنِعۡمَتِهِۦۤ إِخۡوَٲنً۬ا وَكُنتُمۡ عَلَىٰ شَفَا حُفۡرَةٍ۬ مِّنَ ٱلنَّارِ فَأَنقَذَكُم مِّنۡہَا‌ۗ كَذَٲلِكَ يُبَيِّنُ ٱللَّهُ لَكُمۡ ءَايَـٰتِهِۦ لَعَلَّكُمۡ تَہۡتَدُونَ (١٠٣)

    And hold fast, all of you together, to the rope of Allah, and do not separate. And remember Allah’s favour unto you: how ye were enemies and He made friendship between your hearts so that ye became as brothers by His grace; and (how) ye were upon the brink of an abyss of fire, and He did save you from it. Thus Allah maketh clear His revelations unto you, that haply ye may be guided, (103)

    A dear sister of mine taught me this ayah back when I started college. May Allah protect her and have mercy on her. Ameen.

    //Saba
    19 November 2010 at 1:15 am

  6. Jazakillahu khayr for the dua sis Manal, and I like that phrase, ‘wounded healer’. *hugs you back*

    Saba – yes, that is the ayah I was referring to in my post. I really do feel that I am on the ‘brink of an abyss of fire’. InshaAllah, very soon, I will be able to re-read that ayah and praise Allah for saving me from falling in.

    //yellow_flowers
    21 November 2010 at 5:08 am

  7. “brink of an abyss of fire”

    I hope you passed this feeling

    //Saba
    9 December 2010 at 4:32 pm

  8. Subhanallah this has been my exact experience. I feel as though I have strayed so far away from my faith and that there is a huge abyss between me and all that I held dear.May Allah make it easier for us. I am also in a mental health field of study and doing well in school, go figure! I agree that those who know what it feels like are better positioned to help others.

    //Zulaykha
    10 January 2011 at 2:27 pm

  9. Zulaykha,

    Ameen to your dua.

    How did you become interested in the mental field? Was it because of your own experience?

    //Saba
    14 January 2011 at 12:16 pm

  10. Assalamu ‘alaykum,

    Sorry Saba, I didn’t see your comment.

    Unfortunately, I haven’t passed the feeling. I’m still on the edge, still trying to understand whether it’s my head or my heart that’s sick, still trying to work out how I came to be in this state. My heart just feels empty sometimes, like there is no longer iman in there. I look and act like a Muslim, but feel like the worst of hypocrites.

    I look at people who elongate their sujuud, and I envy them for their iman.
    Zulaykha – I am sincerely saddened to know that we are experiencing similar problems.

    May Allah have mercy upon us and let us emerge from this trial successfully. May He not trial anyone with their iman, for He who has lost Allah has truly lost everything.

    //yellow_flowers
    30 January 2011 at 5:27 am

  11. Asalamualaykum
    Don’t feel alone, in these times of difficulty building and keeping up emaan is one of the greatest challenges faced by many of us. On a personal note, when i find my emaan low, i try to work on things that will effect my heart. Inshallah we can find hikma and guidance from these 2 hadiths:

    Prophet (s) said, “Verily there is a small flesh that if one is fixed and healthy, the whole body is healthy, but if it is dead and sick, the whole body is sick.”

    “Faith wears out in the heart of any one of you just as clothes wear out, so ask Allaah to renew the faith in your hearts”.

    I am so happy that there are people like you sisters out there in the MH field.

    Your sister
    Umm Amaar

    //Umm Amaar
    2 February 2011 at 9:54 pm

  12. Yellowflowers, you are not alone. Everything that you have experienced I have too. Everything that you have felt I have too. I will just be going through the aisles in a grocery store and will be overwhelmed with depression. All of a sudden I am thinking to myself: Why am I still going on. I feel like I am about to snap and just fall into insanity. My foundation was shaken and what was real to me was an illusion to everyone else. I, like you, have envied other people’s Iman and felt like a hypocrite. I will tell you something that I have learned through this whole experience: I have learned that Allah loves me just as much as that person I envy.

    //Perishan
    7 July 2011 at 12:08 pm

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